UK 6. A public service announcement for foreigners

There are some things the Brits (or should that be the English? I wouldn't want to offend anyone) just don't have a full working understanding of. As a public service to those of you either living here or thinking of coming here, I have provided a short list to help you understand. Don't be deceived by the length: I wrote it on a train rather than arse around at work. I don't have time for that!

1. Hot weather

It was quite warm here in August. It maxed at around 37°C one day and was in the high twenties quite often. Now, many Brits holiday in the Mediterranean and Australia and know what a hot day is. None the less, this freak occurance of pleasant weather brought the country to its knees. It was really quite funny. Train tracks buckled (I promise you this is true), delaying the already third-world public transport system; thousands of people got sickeningly sunburnt (keep your clothes ON in public! See Public Decency in a later chapter (if I write it). And use sunscreen! That burning sensation you feel - it's you BURNING!); and, perhaps most difficult of all, people had to stop complaining about the miserable weather. On the upside though, they quickly started complaining about the nice weather instead. There was a letter to the editor of The Times that I was sure, up until the last sentence, was meant to be ironic. "It's hot", the lady wrote, "the garden is wilting, the trains aren't working, I have a right to complain." And then, just when an Australian author would end with a joke, sarcasm or wit, she ends with "yours sincerely..."

There was also a half page article in the Times one day explaining why the hot weather sucked. The best reason was that studies (including one that used the LA "Rodney King" Riots as an example) showed a link between high temperatures (ie, above a scorching 26°C) and riots. Social problems in winter are manageable, the article seemed to suggest, but come a burst of sunshine and the heat drives people mad, resulting in violence and mass public unrest. As an afterthought it was conceded that just maybe the drinking of barrel-loads of lager in the hot sun might also be a contributing factor.

2. Lager

Despite the huge consumption of the stuff in this country, especially when it's time for a bit of social tension, English-brewed lager is terrible. Which is odd, considering how proud of their beer the English are. But of course, that's the warm, flat, unrefreshing stuff that doesn't taste very nice that they're proud of. And it's good to proud of something, and I'm sure it's just an aquired taste. But the lager! Even the English admit they can't do it properly. Rule of thumb: if it's from a tap, it's been locally brewed (despite names like Grolsch and Carling) and will taste like it's been in the barrel a decade or two too long. Avoid it. Stick to imported stuff. What I'd give for a Cascade right now.....

3. Washing

In Asia, Australia and America people wash in clean water. In England they wash in dirty water.

I had thought that ablution-related inadequacies stemmed from this country's developing-world water infrastructure (eg, 30% of water is lost to leaking pipes, which makes you wonder what the sewerage system is like), but closer investigation found it's an entirely optional state of affairs. Consider the following:

1. Basins have two taps
2. Showers are rare

The only logical explanation is that a constant supply of clean water is in some way considered inferior to soapy water. One theory put to me is that a bath is considered more luxurious as, no doubts, are such ostentacious displays of wealth such as separate hot water spouts. A penchant for comfort makes sense considering the other peculiarity of the English bathroom: carpet.

It seems a bathmat is too high maintenance so it's carpet by the bath, under the basin and around the toilet to catch any stray drips and give the place a homely smell. An old-persons-homely smell.

4. Fashion

If you want to go incognito in this country, especially outside London, the following fashion tips will help.

A. Football strip passes for fashion. So buy a socer team jersey and you'll pass for a Pom. You are not, of course, to wear these to play sport, only on the street. Tucked in with some nice pleated chinos and you've hit the pinnacle of high fashion!

For the ladies, you too can go for a team top, or why not try tracksuit pants with high heels?

B. If your strip is in the wash, however (look, even a washing machine has a rinse cycle! Your bath DOESN'T) don't despair. French Connection sells nearly half of all clothes in the UK, so you can still fit in with one of their T-shirts carrying an hilarious play on the abbreviation FCUK. FCUKWIT is my favourite. (For further insight into the wonders of English wit, I refer the reader to Mark Twain's essay "How To Tell A Story".)